One Liners To Ponder

Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my
own pants.

Marriage changes passion...suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I
said "Implants?"

I don't do drugs anymore...I get the same effect just standing up
fast.

Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."

I have my own little world. But it's OK...they know me here.

I got a sweater for Christmas...I really wanted a screamer or a
moaner.

There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and shithead's.

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person
you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.

Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive
days I've stayed alive.

How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50
for Miss America?

Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing
section in a swimming pool?

Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words:
"Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!"